The way we handle problems, more than the problems themselves, can often be the problem. Conflict is a natural, inevitable part of human relationships. People in a relationship are going to have differences, and relations will not always be harmonious. And as partners become closer, these differences inevitably cause some disagreements. However, the fact that conflict exists in intimate relationships does not necessarily mean that love is absent. In fact, conflict can be beneficial to a relationship if it is handled in a healthy way.
When you think about conflict, what images come to mind? Often, the first stumbling block to resolving conflict is a faulty perception of conflict itself. When couples see conflict as negative, and therefore avoid talking about it, their relationship suffers.
According to a national survey of 21,501 married couples, David and Amy Olson, authors of Empowering Couples: Building On Your Strengths (Life Innovations Inc., 2000), found the five most common stumbling blocks to managing conflict are:
- Disagreeing on the issue of who is responsible for a given problem.
- Feeling that differences never seem to get resolved.
- Going out of the way to avoid conflict with each other.
- Differing about the best way to solve disagreements.
- Having huge disputes over unimportant issues.
What distinguishes a happy couple from an unhappy couple? An important difference between happy and unhappy couples is whether the partners feel understood when discussing problems. Not only do happy couples feel understood, but they also feel able to share feelings and opinions during disagreements. Happy couples are also more likely to work through their disagreements and come up with healthy ways to manage their conflict.
How does a couple constructively manage conflict? Conflict management is a skill that can be learned. Here are a few suggestions for improving your ability to manage conflict:
- View conflict as a normal part of a close relationship.
- Openly listen to the concerns of your partner.
- Never negotiate in moments of anger. Take some time to compose yourself so that you will be able to rationally discuss the issue.
- When negotiating, do not bring up past issues. Focus on the relevant and current issues and express both positive and negative feelings.
- Do not blame each other, but focus on the problem. Remember that everyone involved contributes in some way.
Because the approach you use to manage conflict will affect the outcome, the more constructive your approach, the greater the possibility of success. Working together to manage conflict in healthy ways can increase intimacy and trust in each other and your relationship.
Activity
What are your couple strengths when it comes to managing conflict? Set aside some time with your partner to talk about the following questions. Explore ways to turn areas of disagreement into strengths.
- Are you able to compromise when necessary?
- Do you ignore issues that may cause conflict?
- Do you allow minor issues to become major problems?
- Do you have different ways of dealing with issues?
- Are you generally able to work through these issues?
Sometimes it helps to seek the help of trained professionals (like counselors, family life educators, or religious leaders) who can share tips for managing conflict. Even if you feel all is going well, taking time to freshen up on your skills or learn new ones shows your commitment to making sure your relationship lasts.
For more resources, visit healthyrelationships.uga.edu and ElevateCouplesGeorgia.com.
Status and Revision History
Published on Dec 01, 2013
Published with Full Review on Aug 02, 2016
Published with Full Review on Nov 07, 2022
